“Parting ways…” — The Sugarcoating Of Corporate Termination Announcements. What They Say And What They REALLY Mean
This week, the dismissals of two high-profile cable news personalities were announced by their media companies using almost identical PR-speak: the companies have “parted ways” with their on-air pundits.
While company press releases triumphantly herald new executive hires and promotions, resignations and terminations are couched in the most genteel and palatable of terms, partially for PR purposes but perhaps also as a nod to the voices in their Legal Departments.
“Parted ways?” Let’s be clear — Messrs. Carlson and Lemon were fired. Terminated. Dismissed. Perhaps the Fox and CNN publicists were inspired by the hilarious-but-straight-faced “official” explanation of the Space X rocket explosion as a “rapid unscheduled disassembly.”
One anodyne phrase that is a standard go-to line in announcing executive terminations will describe the dismissal as one of “pursuing other interests,” as in: “The ACME Explosives Company today announced losses of $150 million for the quarter. It was also announced that Kevin Smith, Chief Operating Officer, will be leaving the company to pursue other interests.”
Move along, folks. Nothing to see here…
Kid gloves treatment like this preserves the dignity of the individual and upholds the public image of the company. Those are good things but let’s all realize that there is a “wink-wink” behind many of those oh-so-matter-of-fact references to an executive’s dismissal.
Here, as a public service, I’ll provide you with some corporate code words and phrases that you might see in the press or in a company memo when an exec leaves, and what the code really means. Think of it as your own secret decoder ring.
“Mr. Smith resigned under pressure.”
What it really means: “We would have fired the guy if he hadn’t quit. In fact, we would have pushed him down the elevator shaft if we could have gotten away with it.”
“Mr. Smith inspired passion in our customers.”
What it really means: “Just the mention of his name would cause our customers’ faces to turn purple in rage.”
“There were some creative differences with Mr. Smith.”
What it really means: “Last week at the board meeting he dressed up as the Jason Vorhees character from the Friday the 13th movie and even brought a toy chainsaw.”
“He will be remembered long after he leaves.”
What it really means: “His horrifying social media posts keep popping up everywhere.”
“He made untold contributions to the company.”
What it really means: “We actually can’t name a single important thing that he accomplished.”
“Mr. Smith’s successor will have big shoes to fill.”
What it really means: “The only comparison to Smith that we can think of is Bozo the Clown.”
“He created fierce loyalty among his employees.”
What it really means: “He hired his family, his neighbors and other assorted lapdogs and sycophants.”
“He consistently demonstrated a passion for numbers.”
What it really means: “He would spend most of his day at the office working sudoku puzzles.”
“He was known for his orientation to detail.”
What it really means: “We’ve never seen such an anal-retentive micro-manager. Our sympathies go to his wife when their monthly checking account statements arrive.”
“He touched so many people at the company.”
What it really means: “He touched so many people at the company.”
“He brought diverse thinking to the leadership team.”
What it really means: “On a good day, his ideas and opinions were goofy. Most other times they were bizarre, absurd, and preposterous.”
“He was a big-picture thinker.”
What it really means: “This guy had ‘DDD’ — Detail Deficit Disorder. He often misspelled his own name when signing memos.”
“Often he did the work of three people.”
What it really means: “Only the likes of Larry, Moe, and Curley could regularly screw things up as much.”
“He was an expansive thinker who wasn’t content to accept conventional wisdom.”
What it really means: “This was the fellow who was chapter president of The Flat Earth Society, and who wanted to replace all the coffee makers at headquarters with cole slaw dispensers.”
“His departure will definitely have an impact on the senior leadership team.”
What it really means: “We are also firing the VP who suggested that he be promoted to his last position. Talk about having poor judgment…”
“Mr. Smith’s position became redundant as a result of the reorganization.”
What it really means: “We had to redraw the org chart to remove this deadwood.”
“Mr. Smith has elected to retire early.”
What it really means: “His early out package is costing us an arm and a leg but morale will skyrocket when he walks out that door.”
There you have it. Now get back to work before a memo comes out announcing that you’ve left the company to “pursue other interests.”
About the author: Mike Hoban is a business topics writer. He is actively working at becoming a world-class grandpa to his five young granddaughters. In addition to his 40 years experience as a leader, consultant, executive coach, and business owner he has also published extensively in Fast Company and wrote many thought leadership pieces for DDI when he was there. He also wrote a business column for 12 years. His many commentary articles can be found on his LinkedIn page: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mike-hoban-b5756b6/ He can also be reached at mjhoban99@gmail.com.
